I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
