Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
