I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
