Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
two words: eviction party
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
