I could make wine with my vomit
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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