I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
