as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
