Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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