Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
