i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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