I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
