im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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