How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
