What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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