sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
