He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love having hate sex.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
