Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
