totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
