I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
