Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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