k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
