God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
