I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
