you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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