I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I need a beard to bite.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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