So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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