I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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