I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
