im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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