My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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