i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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