In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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