No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
