Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
