I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
