i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize