my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
