Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
