3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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