At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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