My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
