that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
