Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
