Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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