Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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