I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize