i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
