I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
