my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
