Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
