we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
