Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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