i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
