The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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