I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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