Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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